


Keeping A Secret

by CrochetingWords



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Chapter 1 Even POV, Chapter 2 Isak POV, Inspired by Music, M/M, Making Up, Secret Relationship, Sight Angst, Some Fluff, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-05 02:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14033949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrochetingWords/pseuds/CrochetingWords
Summary: Even and Isak are keeping a secret until they no longer can.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Edit: I went through this chapter and added just short of 2K words of content
> 
> Sorry this isn’t an update for Coming Home, but I am still going to finish that one off this week. I just really needed a distraction from life and I’ve been listening to Keeping A Secret on repeat for the past two days so here’s the outcome of that. Basically I’ve been binging the Love, Simon Soundtrack.
> 
> Keeping A Secret - Bleachers
> 
> The lyrics for the below are also featured further in this chapter. 
> 
> The kids aren’t alright - Fall Out Boy  
> Strawberries & Cigarettes - Troye Sivan
> 
> Hope you enjoy.

“Alright then, how about truth or dare.” Magnus proposes.

“No,” Jonas draws out with a grimace. “That’s no fun anymore. Mahdi will only pick dare and Isak refuses to do anything but truth since that time my neighbour saw him out buck naked-”

“I was wearing boxers.” Isak interjects.

“They were white and soaking wet from the rain. Nothing was left to the imagination.” Jonas waves off taking a hit before passing the joint over to Mahdi.

“And anyways we’ve known each other too long. Pretty sure there are no more secrets left. Well maybe except for Even. Got any deep dark secrets?” Jonas asks.

“Sorry,” Even shrugs accepting the joint from Mahdi, “open book over here.”

He can feel the way Isak’s eyes linger on him for just a second too long after he takes a second drag. When he can’t hold out any longer, he raises his eyes to the younger boy only to see him avert his and throw back the rest of his beer before leaning over to the coffee table and cracking open a new one.

“What’s with all these juvenile game ideas. May as well play spin the bottle.” Isak says taking the joint out of Even’s hand and takes a deep drag. Throwing his head backwards, exposing his long neck, as he slowly blows the smoke out again.

“Well-”

“No. That was a joke Magnus.” Isak shuts him down before he can even start to run with the idea.

“Oh come on, you would with Jonas.” Magnus pouts.

“What the fuck?” Isak asks nearly choking on his drink.

“Well you're so insistent that he's your best friend.”

“Probably because you're so keen to take over that position.” Mahdi laughs.

Even knows there was a time Isak was interested in Jonas as more than just a friend. He had picked up on it when he had first joined the group. Especially after Jonas had introduced him to everyone, he could practically feel the wariness radiate off of Isak. It has taken the better part of six months and a lot of weed just to get Isak to warm up to him as a friend.

Now the five of them sitting in Jonas’s living room or at the apartment Isak shares was more natural than anything. Despite the rumors that followed Even from his old school, they shrugged them off saying the past was in the past, if there was anything he wanted to share, he would. And when he opened up about being bipolar, they never even blinked twice. It was a feeling of freedom Even had never experienced before.

“Look, just because you can't score with a girl, doesn't mean we have to play stand-in.” Isak shoots him an annoyed look.

“But what if I'm pansexual like Even.” Magnus looks to Even for support who looks back at the group caught off guard.

“You're not.” Isak scoffs before Even can respond “what you are is desperate. And even if you are pansexual, desperate is still desperate. I doubt it will help you with either.”

“Truth” Mahdi chimes in.

“Well then teach me not to be, Isak.” Magnus whines.

“Why are you latching on to me? Ask these guys. Jonas and Even, they’ve had girlfriends.” Isak points to them. “Isn't that what you're looking for anyways?”

Even can see him grasping the beer can a little too tight, a dent forming where his thumb is resting.

“So have you. And you're the one that constantly has chicks throwing themselves at you. Plus you disappear at every party so you must be getting some. At least give me tips on what to do to get a blowjob.”

Isak sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose, clearly trying to keep from snapping.

“Jesus Magnus. Just throw on Fifa so Jonas and I can school you already.” He says taking a long sip from the can he’s holding protectively in front of him.

“See? Always pairing off together.” Magnus points at them on his way to change out the games on his console.

“Magnus” Isak groans.

“I think you're trying Isak's patience to a whole new level tonight” Jonas laughs only half aware of his surroundings.

“Fine, Even you’re on my team. Mahdi, you’re backup.” Magnus says throwing a controller towards Even.

After three rounds, with Isak and Jonas winning two of them, Mahdi and Even the other, another dose of whining from Magnus, and once the beer runs out, they decide to call it a night.

“Oh shit, I forgot my gloves.” Even says when they get to the end of the block. “I’m just going to run back and get them.”

“Want us to wait for you?” Jonas asks.

“No, don’t worry, go ahead. I will just catch the next train.”

“Alright, well see you tomorrow at the skatepark then.” Jonas says giving him a one armed hug.

A handshake from Mahdi and full on hug from Magnus later, he’s rushing back towards Isak’s apartment building.

He rings the buzzer once and waits to be let in, taking the stairs two at a time.

Isak opens the apartment door and looks at him for only half a second before pulling him inside and kissing him desperately. This is what he had been missing all night long. Starving for since the last time.

They’re a mess of hands uselessly tugging at clothes, trying to undress the other, but lacking the coordination to do so while making their way to Isak’s bedroom with their lips locked.

Once Isak’s bedroom door closes, he pushes Even against the back of the door already undoing his pants.

“How long do we have?” Even grinds out, hissing when Isak roughly pulls his jeans and boxers down in one swift move.

“Linn’s at her parents’ for the night and Eskild should be out until three.” Isak says as he sinks to his knees and silences himself by taking Even’s dick into his mouth.

“Fuck” Even grabs the doorknob behind him when he hits the back of Isak’s throat and stays there.

He runs his hands down along Isak’s face and throat, admiring the sight in front of him.

“You’re so perfect,” he moans as Isak repeats the action a few more times.

When he gets close to letting go however, Isak drops him from his mouth “I want you inside of me right now.”

And they’re immediately moving towards the bed, Even making quick work of Isak’s clothes before reaching for the drawer next to Isak’s bed for the small bottle and a condom.

“Lie down” he says and moves to kneel between his legs on the mattress.

“Stare at me any longer and I’ll start to go soft.” Isak lets out with a strangled laugh.

Even raises a brow “wanna bet? I think I could spend all night right here just admiring you and you would stay hard the whole time.”

He loves taking his time with Isak, watching him keen and writhe under his attentions. Since the first time, there’s been nothing more intoxicating to Even.

Everything about Isak took him in from that first day he saw him. All he knew then was that he had to have him in his life. But never in a million years did he think he’d get to have all of him. Well, most of him, but even that is far more than he could have hoped for.

“Even please” Isak begs and Even immediately gives him everything he wants. He’d give him the world if only Isak would ask for it.

*

Carefully he closes the door behind him as quietly as he can in case both his parents are already asleep.

“Hey honey” his mom calls from the end of the hall.

Toeing off his shoes, he walks into her office to find her surrounded by stacks of papers and red markers.

“Grading papers so late?” He nods to the stacks.

“You know me, I do my best at work after the sun sets.” She looks at him fondly.

“At least I know where I get it from.” He grins

“You are definitely my son. Did you have a good time with your friends?”

“Mhm” he nods.

“You’ve been so happy lately.” She says taking her glasses off, “I think this new school is doing you a lot of good.”

“I think so too” he brightens thinking about his night.

“Well I won’t keep you up any longer. You get some sleep, alright?” She says turning back to her work.

“You too, don’t stay up too late.”

“I’m the parent here” he can hear the smile in her voice.

“I’m still allowed to worry. Love you.”

“Love you more.” her voice carries out of the room after him.

He drops his bag next to his desk and climbs into bed after stripping down. If he closes his eyes and breathes deeply enough, he can still smell Isak all over him. Lulling him into a peaceful sleep.

*

“My vote’s on Jonas.” he can hear Mahdi say as he approaches their lunch table.

“I say Isak does first.” Magnus says when Even takes a seat between Jonas and Mahdi.

“Isak does what first” Even asks.

“Hook up at the party tonight.” Magnus says and Isak rolls his eyes.

“Honestly this obsession of yours with me hooking up is starting to become a concern.”

“What about you, Even?” Magnus asks “why aren’t you always hooking up? I mean with no gender restrictions, shouldn’t you be getting some left and right?”

“That’s not exactly how it works” Even laughs “and anyways I go out to parties with you guys to have fun, not for the sole purpose of hooking up.”

“Exactly” Jonas agrees “just take it chill.”

“Easy for you to say.” Magnus grumbles.

“Hey Isak” a new voice interrupts them.

“Hey Emma.” Even stifles a grin at the way he can practically see Isak deflate at the sight of her.

“Are you going to be at the party tonight?” She asks eagerly.

“Uuh yeah. To hang out with my friends” he trails off.

“Cool then maybe we can dance or something?” She presses.

“Maybe.” Isak mumbles disinterested.

“Cool” Emma exclaims brightening “I will see you there then.”

“See you.” Even almost winces in sympathy at Isak’s discomfort.

“What the hell, man?” Mahdi looks at Isak astounded once Emma is out of earshot. “She was practically throwing herself at you.”

“She’s not really my type” Isak dismisses “she’s so needy.”

“You have to give it to Isak though” Jonas says “he shoots them down all the time and they still keep coming back for more. I don’t know how you do it.”

Isak puts his bun down with a little more force than necessary before putting on a fake smile. Even knows it’s fake because he’s experienced every one of Isak’s real ones and the real ones are like basking in the sun on the first day of spring.

“What can I say” he shrugs cockily” Some of us just have it and some of us don’t.”

And yeah, Isak definitely has it.

*

Even is usually able to ignore the way girls throw themselves at Isak. He has been for the past year they have been sleeping together, but tonight something feels different. Even feels worn down. It could also be because they’re usually nameless and faceless first years that he doesn’t see more than once.

Something about Emma constantly hanging around Isak, however, rubs him the wrong way. Maybe it’s the way she gets to dance with Isak time after time. The way that she still laughs at everything Isak says. The way they can be out together in public while Isak keeps a half meter distance between them at all times when they are not alone.

“You okay man?” Jonas asks from beside him on the couch and Even tears his eyes away from the sight of them dancing.

“Actually I think I’m going to head home. Not feeling too well.” Even says getting up from his spot.

“You going to be okay? Do you need us to walk you home?” Mahdi asks concerned.

“Don’t worry about it, it’s nothing serious. I’ll see you guys on Monday alright?”

“You won’t come over tomorrow and join us for a round of Fifa?” Jonas asks.

Even can still see Isak and Emma out of the corner of his eye. And he’s sure if he focuses hard enough, he can also hear the sound of her laughter.

“No I think a weekend in is best for me.”

“Okay well take care, man.”

He makes it two blocks down the street when he can hear the sound of running footsteps approach him.

“Even, hold up.” Isak pants when he catches up and Even slows down.

“Are you sick?” Isak asks concerned, pressing a cool hand to Even’s forehead. It’s so thoughtful and caring that Even can’t help but lean in.

“No” he says.

“You left early, is everything alright?”

How could Even ever answer that question honestly? He knows that Isak’s fear of coming out is real and debilitating. And he’s sympathetic to it because he’s been there. But if his only choices are between hurting himself and hurting Isak, how could he ever choose the latter?

“I just wasn’t feeling quite right.” He shrugs off.

“Are you sure you want to be alone though? Eskild is at his boyfriend’s and Linn is probably already out for the night. You’re welcome to come over. We don’t have to do anything, just come over and let’s hang out.”

He’s powerless to the hopeful expression on Isak’s face and before he knows it they’re heading back to Isak’s.

*

They’re sitting side by side in Even’s bed together, feet entwined. Isak studying and Even working on a script. It’s one of the rare times that Even’s parents decided to get away for the night and he immediately extended an invitation to Isak to come over.

When Even can’t focus on his work any longer, half because he’s run out of ideas and half because of who is sat right next to him, he puts his laptop away and turns to Isak.

But before he can get anything out, Isak says “I spoke with my mom today” all the while not looking up from his notebook.

“Oh?” Even asks surprised. “How did that go?”

“Alright actually.” Isak says furrowing his brows, still refusing to look up. “We may be getting together for dinner next week actually.”

“That’s great,” Even exclaims. Isak had shared that part of his life with him a couple of months back, when they were lying in bed together not paying attention to the show playing on Even’s laptop.

“Isn’t it?” Even continues.

“I don’t know,” Isak looks up, worrying his lip. “I don’t know what to expect, or if I should expect anything. A ten minute phone call is one thing. But sitting through a whole meal in person is completely different. What if I say something wrong and everything goes to shit again. I don’t know if I could sit through that again.”

Even nods “If you don’t feel comfortable, you shouldn’t have to go. And if you do decide to go at least you’ll know you tried. But no matter what you choose, don’t be so hard on yourself about it. This one isn’t on you, Isak.”

He doesn’t want to push Isak, he never wants to push, but he knows how much this means to Isak. How much it had been on his mind. They had been able to confide anything in the other. So Even sticks to what they do best when they’re alone together, the truth.

“No matter what,” Even says reaching over and running his fingers through Isak’s hair, “remember this is your choice.”

*

“What’s wrong?” Isak asks Even when their silence drags on for longer than usual.

“Hmm?” Even sounds.

“You usually like to talk after sex.” Isak says raising their hands where they’re entwined.

“Just thinking” Even mumbles.

“Think out loud” Isak smiles turning over so his chin is resting on Even’s bare chest.

“You want me to go through my entire thought process out loud?” Even raises his brows in question.

“What can I say, I like the way your voice sounds.” Isak says kissing the spot where Even’s neck and collarbone meet.

“I was thinking about us.” He answers truthfully.

Isak furrows his brows and lifts his head to meet Even’s eyes, looking unsure.

“Oh?”

“Do you ever think about the future?” Even asks.

“Well yeah of course.” Isak nods.

“But what about it do you think about? What you’ll do, what you’ll study, where you’ll live, where you’ll visit?”

“Yeah I guess all of that.”

Even nods “Do you ever think about us? What we’ll be like?”

Isak looks at him guarded, “where’s this coming from?”

“Just...curiosity I guess.”

“Okay, well sure I think about us.”

“And are we together when you do?”

“Of course” Isak answers immediately.

Even nods, relief rushing over him. But that’s only half of it.

“Are we together when you think about us?” Isak asks before Even can form his next question.

“Absolutely we are” Even beams at him and he can see Isak visibly relax. He pulls him closer and decides any follow ups can wait. For now all that matters is that they do have a future together.

*

Isak has been quieter than usual, even while they were all hanging out at Jonas’s, Even had noticed that something was off. And finally he can’t stand it any longer. There’s only been one thing in the recent weeks that could affect him this deeply.

“How did dinner with your mom go?” Even asks cautiously.

“Good” Isak answers averting his eyes.

“That’s...good, right?”

“Uh yeah. We talked about everything that happened. She said she was sorry about all of it. But I mean it wasn’t her fault, not really. She didn’t have control over anything then.”

But Isak is still holding back, he can tell. So he waits. Waits for Isak like he has been all this time.

“She wants me to move back home.” Isak finally says.

Even stares back surprised. “Are you considering it?”

His face falls at the question and he takes a deep breath before shaking his head.

“I don’t think she’d be comfortable with me living with her.”

“What do you mean?” Even asks confused.

“She said some things.” Isak shrugs, “not intentionally I don’t think, but if she knew….” he gestures between himself and Even and it’s all the information he needs to be able to fill in the blanks. He’s known about the bible verses that Isak has been receiving from her. She must have said something in that same vein and his heart breaks for Isak.

Despite his efforts, Even knows Isak can only ever be ready on his own time and his own terms, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. He can show Isak how comfortable all of his friends have been in accepting Even’s sexuality, but it won’t make a difference. Not when his struggle runs so deep and was just reinforced thanks to his mother, however unintentional.

*

“I can’t believe you’ve actually got a car!” Even exclaims standing up from the front porch and jogging the few steps to the sidewalk when Isak pulls up.

“Yeah, a gift from dad. Turns out guilt is a powerful thing. Wanna take it for a spin?” Isak asks through the rolled down window.

“It won’t break down on us halfway down the road?” Even asks slightly skeptical.

“Promise you I’ll have you back home and safe in one piece.” Isak winks. “Come on.”

It’s all the encouragement Even needs and he’s already in the car, buckling himself in.

“Where do you want to go?” Isak asks smiling at Even.

Even thinks for a moment before he turns halfway, facing Isak. “The middle of nowhere, where only you and I exist.”

Isak nods with a grin “I think I can make that happen,” he says and puts the car into drive.

“Here, I brought this.” Isak says pulling a CD with messy marker writing all over it from the console between them.

“I can’t believe you still have that!” Even exclaims and lightly brushes his fingers over the top of the writing. The first gift he had ever given Isak, a CD. Months before they ever shared their first kiss.

_“A CD? Even, you’ve heard of streaming music online, right?”_

_“Just give it a chance, it won’t kill you.”_

_“I mean it might. What if I enter the wrong year into my DeLorean in my search for a CD player?”_

_“Smartass, just listen to it.”_

_“Is it going to change my whole outlook on life?” Isak teased._

_“What if it does, would it be so bad?”_

“Can I put it on?” Even asks.

“That’s why I brought it.”

He throws the CD in and presses the next button until he gets to the song he wants.

_Stuck in the jet wash_  
_Bad trip I couldn't get off_  
_And maybe I bit off more than I could chew_  
_And overhead of the aqua blue_

_Fall to your knees bring on the rapture_  
_Blessed be the boys time can't capture_  
_On film or between the sheets_  
_I always fall from your window_  
_To the pitch black streets_

“Did you know this was the song that made me think of you the most?” Isak asks after they've been quiet for a few moments, simply taking in the words.

 _And in the end_  
_I'll do it all again._  
_I think you're my best friend._  
_Don't you know that the kids aren't al-, kids aren't alright?_  
_I'll be yours._  
_When it rains it pours._

“I thought Jonas was your best friend” Even teases.

Isak smiles looking deep in thought.

“You are too. It's different, but I think you're my best friend as well.”

“You're mine too.” Even says quietly.

Isak looks over shyly and smiles, turning to look back at the road. He takes his right hand off the steering wheel and takes Even’s hand into his and just like that everything feels perfect.

“Okay now I’m starting to worry you’re taking me somewhere remote to dispose of my body.” Even jokes when they leave the city perimeter.

“Aren’t you worried I’m more likely to have my way with you?” Isak asks raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Oh I’m more than happy to let you have your way with me. In fact…” Even trails off.

“What are you thinking?” Isak asks smirking.

“We should totally break this thing in.” Even smiles broadly.

“Shit I didn’t even think of that.” Isak says.

“You got a car and you didn’t even think about getting frisky in it with me?”

“Getting frisky??” Isak barks out a laugh “How old are you right now.”

“Hey I could have gone for heavy petting instead.”

“Oh my god I may have to trade you in for a younger model.” Isak shakes his head.

“Please, nothing will ever measure up to the miles you’ve put on me.”

“True” Isak grins, pulling off onto another road “guess I will just have to make do with you.”

“Yup, you’re stuck with me, sorry.” Even shrugs.

“Okay” Isak says after two more turns when he pulls up in front of a couple of trees in an otherwise open area and turns the key so the engine turns off but the music still continues.

“You sure you’re not planning on disposing of me here?” Even jokes.

“Never” Isak says unbuckling his seatbelt and leaning over to kiss him.

 _Remember when we first met?_  
_You said “light my cigarette”_  
_So I lied to my mom and dad_  
_And jumped the fence and I ran_  
_But we couldn’t go very far_  
_‘Cause you locked your keys in your car_  
_So you sat and stared at my lips_  
_And I could already feel your kiss_

“Turn it up” Even says, breaking the kiss, already turning the dial up and jumping out of the car.

“What are you doing?” Isak calls over the sound of the music with his head poking out the window.

“Dancing! Come dance with me!” Even laughs.

“We’ll just end up killing the battery” Isak grumbles but steps out of the car anyway.

“Won’t that make one hell of a story though?” Even asks pulling Isak in front of the car headlights with him.

“Calling for a tow truck in the middle of nowhere? I’m sure it will.” Isak complains but Even knows better. He can already see the beginnings of a grin forming on Isak’s lips, his eyes brightening as he relaxes and starts to move in sync against Even. Finally.

 _Long nights, daydreams_  
_Sugar and smoke rings, I’ve been a fool_  
_But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you_

These are the nights Even lives for. Maybe he can’t have Isak in the daylight, but under the glow of the moon, he is his. Out here under the night sky he’s free to kiss and dance with Isak without having Isak worry who will see.

He drapes his arms over Isak’s shoulders lazily, their foreheads touching as they continue to dance with Even mouthing the words.

 _Headlights, on me_  
_Racing to sixty, I’ve been a fool_  
_But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like_  
_Blue eyes, black jeans_  
_Lighters and candy, I’ve been a fool_  
_But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you_

He kisses Isak slowly when he gets to the ‘you’ and it never fails to make his heart race when Isak kisses back. Just as slowly. Just as passionately.

“I love you” Isak moans against his lips.

“I love you too,” Even breathes against him, inhaling everything that is Isak. A scent he craved every day and every night spent alone. One he could never get tired of.

 _Remember when you taught me fate_  
_Said it all be worth the wait_  
_Like that night in the back of the cab_  
_When your fingers walked in my hand_  
_Next day, nothing on my phone_  
_But I can still smell you on my clothes_  
_Always hoping things would change_  
_But we went right back to your games_

*

_“So what did you think?” Even asked when it was only him and Isak left sitting in Eva’s bathtub. The rest of the group having ventured out in search of snacks._

_“Of what?”_

_“The CD” Even asked rolling his eyes_

_“It was good I guess,” Isak shrugged averting his eyes._

_Isak opened his mouth to respond, eyes looking unsure when the door slammed open._

_“Hot cheetos. You don’t have to thank me, I know I’m the hero of the night. ” Magnus said proudly throwing the bag at Even and climbing back in the tub._

_“Where are Jonas and Mahdi?” Even asked conversationally, giving Isak a moment to collect his thoughts._

_“Mahdi was about to hook up and I saw Jonas talking to some chick. Damn was she ever hot.” Magnus said._

_“Like I’m talking even out of your league, Isak. Guess it’s just the three of us then.” Magnus continued absentmindedly._

_When Even turned to look behind Magnus, he saw the displeased expression on Isak’s face. Almost angry if he wasn’t mistaken. He hadn’t figured him out yet or why he disliked Even so much. But he was determined to find out why. Though what was driving him, he wasn’t quite sure._

*

If there is one rule they have it’s that what they agree on for Isak’s sake, it’s that what they share stays between them. It’s one that Even has learned to accept, because what would be the alternative? A life without Isak? No, that’s not one he ever wants to have to imagine.

It’s been the only thing on his mind lately, trying to imagine a future where Isak has a place at his side. Or, where he has a place at Isak’s side. He’s thought about it day and night and twice over with each university application he sent out.

He wanted to only stick to Oslo, but a part of him wouldn’t let him miss out on applying to all of the other schools that had been on his list since before he met Isak. But now he wonders if that may have been a mistake. How could he possibly make that decision when the time comes and more importantly, would he be able to live with the outcome of that choice.

Even shoves the school brochures back into his desk, not wanting to dwell on it any longer. What Isak and him have is real and he knows it can last. Even if it had to continue in secret, he’s certain they could make it work. It would wear at him, but maybe Isak only needed a little bit of time. Maybe Isak would be ready soon.

“Sweetheart, didn’t you hear me calling?” Even’s mom asks entering his room.

“Oh, no sorry. I was lost in thought.” He admits, still unable to shake the sadness from his mind.

“Okay well dinner is ready, come join us.” She says giving him a concerned smile before walking back out of the room.

*

Isak

Linn and Eskild are going to be gone for the weekend  
Come over?

All weekend?

Think you can get away for that long?

I’ll make it work

Great, see you at 21:00?

*

If Even had known spending a whole weekend together would be his breaking point, he never would have agreed.

It started off well enough, at night, when they are at their strongest together. The first crack in his heart doesn’t appear until dawn when he woke up with Isak in his arms. A first for them both. A feeling that should make him feel whole, yet all he can picture is the countless mornings and days without Isak that will follow this weekend.

That doesn’t stop him from trying to memorize the sight, however. And that’s how Isak finds him when he wakes up.

“Watching me sleep?” Isak asks with a sleepy smile on his face.

“Mhm” Even hums sadly.

“Did your phone die?” Isak jokes.

“This is much more interesting.” Even whispers kissing his cheek. And much more important.

“I could get used to this.” Isak mumbles cuddling closer to him.

“Me too.”

“Is everything alright?” Isak cracks an eye open.

“Of course, don’t worry about it.” Even reassures him, watching the sun rise over the two of them. He should savour this while he has it and not dwell on losing out on his feeling.

Despite Even’s best efforts on focusing on the right now, the second crack appears in the afternoon when they’re lying on the couch in the living room, cuddling openly and sharing lazy kisses with the sun warming them both in a way that Even’s never felt before. Without the threat of someone walking in on them, they’re not restricted to staying in Isak’s room or trying to keep it quiet.

So when Isak grazes his teeth along his throat while slowly grinding against him, Even doesn’t hold back his moan. And before he knows it, Isak is beneath him, a moaning mess, begging Even for release. Holding nothing back in a way Even has never seen before, even on their nights alone. A part of Even wants to keep Isak from reaching his relief, to forever keep them in this moment, to keep them free. To love him the way he’s only allowed to in the dark.

But the third one is the hardest. When they’re both standing in the kitchen making dinner together. Well, Even is cooking and Isak is sitting on the counter distracting him. And for a moment he can see them doing the same thing in five years, in ten years. Sharing a home together, cooking, being lazy together. Entertaining their friends. Them building a life together, a future.

“I want this.” Even confesses before he can keep the words from escaping, “I want this with you all the time.”

Isak looks up at him, apologetic. Ashamed.

“It’s not that I don’t want all this, I do.” Isak whispers, sounding so small and Even hates himself for putting him in that position.

“But I just don’t think I’m ready yet.”

“I know, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to push. I wanted you to know that I do think about us, our future together” Even smiles at him sadly. “Just don’t think about it baby, let’s just enjoy right now. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have brought it up. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“You didn’t,” Isak Isak places a hand on his arm. “But I just keep thinking, what if I’ll never be ready.”

The words hurt worse that Even would have imagined. His gut reaction is to tell him that it wouldn’t matter. If they have to spend the rest of their lives hiding, he would gladly do so, so long as it’s the two of them together. But that’s not the truth, he knows. No matter much he has tried to hide it, it’s starting to hurt him. And what’s worse is that Isak has noticed.

That night Even spends the night trying to prove to Isak that they belong together, that they complete each other in ways that no one else could ever hope to measure up to until they are both exhausted and delirious.

At the end of the weekend he walks the long route home, trying to clear his mind. Trying to sort out his heart and his head.

They had been together for over a year. Always a secret, even from their first kiss. One shared out of frustration in the bathroom of some nameless third year’s bathroom. But their second kiss had been bolder, shared after everyone else had left Isak’s apartment and it was only the two of them.

He didn’t mind keeping it a secret at first. It was romantic, something only the two of them knew of. But now he is struggling with keeping the feeling of shame from creeping into their relationship. Feeling that in a way he’s now hiding himself, or at least a part of him. The part that loves Isak so deeply.

But what could a world without Isak even be? He doesn’t have to wonder. He knows exactly what it’s like. It’s what the first seventeen years of his life were like. It’s not that they were bleak, but he just didn’t know what he was missing all this time. And the worst thing he can think of is living in a world where he forgets what it’s like having Isak in his life.

*

_It was just the two of them sitting in that tub once again, it had become a habit at every party. The rest of the guys would go out in search of drinks and food and the two of them would just sit there waiting. At first Even had tried to keep a conversation going with Isak, but it would always dissolve into one word responses. He could never figure out what his deal was. So this time he had opted not to go out of his way to keep a conversation going. He’d had a long day already so he wasn’t about to waste his efforts on someone who couldn’t care less._

_“You’re quiet.” Isak said, almost sounding like an accusation,_

_“Yup, decided to take a page out of your book.” Even shot back not feeling up to putting up with him tonight. But when he glanced over to Isak, he didn’t find the usual guarded apprehension he he was used to seeing._

_Instead there was a open curiosity. And before he could comment on it, a pair of soft lips touched his own, moving against him just the slightest bit. He’s caught so of guard that he doesn’t know how to respond. It’s brief and before he knows it those lips are gone again, replaced by the sight of Isak looking at him, fear in his eyes._

_Then just as suddenly Isak jumps up and bolts out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. And just like that Even is left alone trying to figure out what had just happened. And more importantly why the desire to do it again overtook him the moment Isak’s lips left his._

*

This next time Even sees Isak and Emma at the party, he can feel all three cracks bleeding into one. He knows Isak isn’t actually enjoying her attention. Knows that Isak is struggling and hiding. That he needs more time. And he knows being with him will never be a quickfix for all of Isak’s internal struggles. He could be there for him, support him. At the end of the day however it was up to Isak. Isak would be ready at his own time. But that doesn’t diminish the pain Even feels right that moment.

He wants to go up to him, take her place and kiss Isak senseless. But he could never do that to him. Because in the end he would just wind up hurting Isak through his actions. And yet Even can’t stand there watching any longer either. So he makes a decision.

This time when Even walks away from the party, Isak doesn’t follow.

*

“Even? Is everything alright?” His mom asks concerned, stepping halfway into his room.

“Yeah” he mumbles

How could he even begin to reconcile the two versions of Isak in his life? The one who would never be more than Even’s friend, never touching unless absolutely necessary. And the other, the love of his life. He is sure he’d die if he never got to touch him again.

“What’s this?” His mom asks looking at the envelopes addressed to him lying on his desk.

He had been careful to pick them up from the mailbox before his mother saw them. Wanting to make the decision of where to go completely on his own. But now it doesn’t really matter.

“Prague” she says sounding impressed “their film school is supposed to be ranked pretty high. Of course she would have done her research on the best schools for him. She is his mother after all.

“I’m not sure if I want to go there.” He says, voice sounding tired even to him.

“How come?” She asks curiously, keeping all judgement out of her voice.

Because Isak is here. “I don’t know.”

“Hmm” his mom lets out knowingly and steps fully into the room, taking a seat at the edge of Even’s bed.

“I know you have a lot going on in your life and maybe don’t want to share all of it with me right now.” She says brushing his hair from his forehead.

“But I want you to remember that your dad and I love you very much. No matter what. And we trust your judgement, we really do. But I don’t want you to forget about yourself either. I want you to be happy.”

“There’s a boy,” he finally says “but I don’t think he’s ready.”

She nods sympathetically “do you think he will be ready any time soon?”

“I don’t know,” Even admits. “He has a lot to deal with and I don’t think I can help.” He can’t stop the tears running down the sides of his face.

“Oh sweetheart” she says brokenly leaning down to hug him tight.

“I don’t want to lose him.” Even cries against her shoulder.

“I know, love. But goodbyes aren’t always permanent.” She smiles sadly “sometimes time has a way of working things out when we can’t.”

*

“Hey” Isak says when he opens his apartment door for Even.

“Hey.” He says back. This time there are desperate kisses. No whispered ‘I miss you’s and ‘I love you’s. They both know that his moment has been looming over them for too long.

“Come in” Isak says stepping back.

“Thanks.” Even nods. He hates this. There’s something so final hanging in the air. He wants to turn back, but he knows he can’t now.

They take a seat in the living room and it has never felt more formal or awkward between the two of them.

“I missed you.” Isak speaks first.

“I missed you too.” Even smiles sadly.

They continue to sit there silently, both afraid to be the first person to speak. Afraid of what the end result will be.

“I decided on a school.” Even says, breaking the silence first, trying to memorize every one of Isak’s features.

Isak nods hesitantly “You’re not staying in Oslo, are you.”

“No,” he can’t help how his voice cracks at the word.

“I know wherever you’re going to go, you’re going to do great.” Isak says politely. Hiding his own emotions.

Even hates them being polite. He wants them to fight for each other. To prove what they have can be stronger than any obstacle. But he knows that’s not the case. At least not until Isak is ready. And even though he wants him to be ready more than anything, he has to give him time.

They can be strong enough to find each other again one day and he’s determined to believe it despite what that little doubtful voice is telling him around the clock.

“When are you leaving?” Isak asks.

“At the end of the month.” Even says.

“That’s so early though.” Isak looks shocked.

“They have an early start summer program that I was accepted into so it starts pretty soon.”

“Of course you were.” Isak smiles. “You’re brilliant.”

“I’ve had a great muse over the last year.” Even smiles back.

“In another universe we’re not a secret.” Isak says through tears.

“I know, I just wish it was this one.”

“I love you.” Isak says teary eyed and Even can’t stop the impulse to pull him into a hug.

There’s no one more moment, one more night together. All they have left is right this moment and it’s like he can see them running out of time.

“I love you too.” He whispers brokenly, holding onto Isak tightly and inhaling deeply. Not wanting to forget a moment of how it feels to have him near. How safe and cherished he has always made him feel. And if there’s one thing he wants to remember, it’s how strongly he wants to feel it again.

*

Even is in the middle of packing his suitcase when he sees them, two of Isak’s sweaters lying on his floor. He picks them up and inhales deeply, still catching the faint scent of Isak on them. Without thinking twice about it, he throws them into his suitcase along with the rest of the items he’s planning on taking.

“You just about ready to leave for the airport?” His dad asks from the doorway.

“Yup” Even says, closing his suitcase up and grabbing his one way ticket to Prague off his dresser.

 _Cause I think about you_  
_Like this piece of you that's right there but I cannot grab you_  
_As we fade into my mind (fade into memory)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will take place probably around five years in the future and be from Isak’s perspective.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I know, I’m updating the wrong story again. I’m sorry, I’m working on it, I promise.
> 
> OML, thank you all of you for the sweet reception of the first half of this story <3 Your comments and kudos really made my entire week. 
> 
> So just fyi, I went through the first chapter again last night to do a bit of editing and ended up adding just shy of 2K words to it. It doesn’t exactly change the gist of the story or affect this chapter, but if you want to have a bit more content then do please have a quick re-read first. There are a couple of extra scenes that have been added.
> 
> I reused lyrics from the same three songs in chapter 1 and added a snippet from ILYSB - LANY (the stripped version in case you want to listen to it)

“Are you sure you’re gay though?” Magnus asks putting his arm over the backrest of his chair.

“What? Yes, I’m sure.” Isak says wondering how long it can possibly take to grab another round of beers. Jonas and Mahdi must have been gone for at least ten minutes at this point.

“I’m just saying. You used to hook up a lot more when you were straight.” Magnus shrugs.

“I was never straight, Magnus.” Isak shoots him a tired look. At this point he’s used to the sometimes ignorant questions that Magnus, but that doesn’t mean they don’t wear away at him from time to time.

“You know what I mean.”

“I wasn’t getting any, Magnus. It was all a show. Fake.” At least the girls were. But Even...that was different. That was real. However he hadn’t shared that with anyone except Jonas.

“I dunno, I think I’d still just be happy to be getting laid.” Magnus shrugs.

“So you’d gladly hook up with any of these guys,” Isak says pointing around “regardless of if you were attracted to them or not.” Luckily, or not depending on how he looked at it, they were at a gay bar. A show of solidarity and acceptance from his friends which they still like to do even four years after he came out to them.

“I mean I wouldn't not think about it.” Magnus says after a moment.

“Okay if you’re about to have a sexual awakening, I don’t want any part in it.” Isak says putting his hands up.

“That bartender is seriously hot.” Mahdi says placing two beers on their table.

“Oh thank god,” Isak says happy to have his conversation with Magnus come to an end.

“Look I wasn’t trying to be rude. I just meant I haven’t seen you actually hook up with anyone.” Magnus continues, ignoring Jonas who takes a seat next to Isak.

As unfortunate as it is for Isak, there is truth in his words. There had been guys since Even, but none of them felt...right. He had tried for years after Even left, but eventually he just gave up. Which brings him to his current year long dry spell that embarrassingly even Magnus can pick up on.

“Maybe you’re not homosexual, but asexual.” Magnus tries to offer helpfully.

“Oh here it goes.” Mahdi groans running a hand over his face.

“What? There’s nothing wrong with not feeling sexual attraction or arousal towards other people.”

“You can still be asexual and feel both of those” Jonas says taking a sip.

“Yeah but I’m talking in general.” Magnus tries.

“Look Magnus, I appreciate your efforts, I really do. But I’m not asexual. I just haven’t hooked up with anyone for a while. That’s different.”

“Well I mean there’s a reason we’re sitting at a gay bar, instead of the usual place. We’re making more of an effort than you are.”

“Speaking of which, the bartender.” Mahdi prompts again.

“I don’t need your help hooking up.” Isak says looking to his friends, noticing Jonas who is uncharacteristically quiet.

“I bet if Even was still around he’d be able to help you.” Magnus says, distracted by a group of girls on the dancefloor, while Isak nearly dies taking a sip from his beer, having it come right back out his nose.

“Jesus Isak,” Magnus exclaims shoving the napkin holder at him, “maybe there are other reasons you’re not getting any.”

Miserably Isak works away at wiping the mess off his face and the table, all the while wondering what he could have possibly done to deserve this.

*

“You were quiet tonight.” Isak states at the end of the night as he and Jonas walk back to the apartment they had shared since their first year of University.

“I was debating if I should tell you.” Jonas says, “but after tonight I’m not sure if it will do more good or harm.”

“Well now you have to tell me what it is.” Isak says coming to a standstill in the middle of the road. It sounds too serious to possibly be about the cheese out overnight and half of it dried out. But hopefully not serious enough to be about Jonas wanting to move out on his own.

Jonas sighs, stopping a few feet from him “Even moved back.”

“Oh.” That is not one of the many possibilities Isak had imagined.

“Look, I’ve been meaning to tell you-”

“When?”

“When did he move or when was I going to tell you?”

“Both?” He’s had too much to drink to try and drown out his friends and their attempts at setting him up earlier. But now he wishes the pleasant buzz would return.

“About two months ago.” Jonas grimaces. “I ran into him when I was picking up that book for you. The one about the universes for your birthday.” He pauses before adding, “he’s actually the one who told me I should get your that one.”

Isak searches for something to say, but his mind is drawing a blank.

“Are you going to be okay?” Jonas asks concerned.

“Yeah. Of course.” Isak furrows his brows, “we left things on good terms. I don’t see any issues with him being back.” He doesn’t, right?

“Alright.” Jonas nods cautiously, not taking is eyes off Isak’s face.

“Is he living with someone?” The question escapes him before he has a chance to get his thoughts under control.

“I don’t think so,” Jonas shoots him a strange look, “but to be honest it didn’t really come up in conversation and I didn’t ask. Does it matter?”

“No. No, of course not.” It’s a lie even if Isak doesn’t want to admit it to himself. Because it will always matter to a part of him.

If Jonas picks up on it, he doesn’t say so.

It takes a moment for Isak to realize they’ve been standing in the road for a while, neither in a rush to move.

“I’m okay,” Isak says in attempt to reassure the both of them.

“Alright, I believe you,” Jonas says. “For now at least, we’ll see how you’ll feel once you’ve sobered up.”

*

To both their surprise, Isak is even calmer about the news the next day. Insisting that there is no reason for Jonas to be worried.

“Seriously, you don’t need to hover.” Isak says grabbing a breakfast consisting of a heaped bowl of cereal and a mug of coffee.

“Alright,” Jonas concedes, “you know yourself.”

Yeah. He does know himself. Normally. But when it comes to Even, he’s still a jumble of thoughts and feelings. Never having sorted through them properly. The last time he saw him, he was eighteen and Even was telling him he was leaving for Prague. Isak had been happy for him, so proud that all of his hard work had paid off. Yet even then, Isak knew that Even was taking a part of his heart with him. Just as he was certain he had kept a part of Even’s.

Except that was in the past. Five years was long enough to finish a degree, start a new job, meet someone and settle down. Enough for his life to have changed completely.

Putting all thoughts of Even out of his mind, he decides to focus on his day instead. And for the rest of it he’s able to focus, determined to get as much work done at the library as he can.

With the exception of the morning, it ends up being an otherwise uneventful day. He even manages to get his favorite spot at the library, the one just in the quiet corner out of everyone’s view.

He’s fine right up until he gets to the train station, ready to head back home at the end of the day when he glimpses Even across the street. Watching him for just a second before Even’s head snaps up, almost as if he could feel Isak staring, and their eyes meet.

They might have been standing there for all of a minute, or an hour, Both caught off guard, standing there frozen in place, continuing to stare even as cars continue to pass by.

It’s Even who breaks their eye contact first and Isak can’t help the twinge of disappointment that follows. Before it has a chance to fester, however, he sees Even crossing the road towards him and Isak starts walking towards the sidewalk to meet him partway.

“Hi,” Even smiles brightly at him and at the sound of his voice Isak realizes he hasn’t allowed himself to miss him all these years, as the word draws a shaky gasp out of him.

“Hi.” Isak swallows and all other words just don’t seem enough. Standing there not doing anything feels wrong. So he acts on instinct and wraps his arms around Even’s middle, relief filling him when Even returns the embrace just as tight.

“I missed you.” Even breathes and it’s like tearing off a band-aid, one that had kept Isak’s emotions at bay. All of a sudden he never wants to let go.

“I missed you too.” He answers shakily before pulling back and simply drinking the sight of Even in.

“Do you want to grab a coffee or something, catch up?” Even asks, eyes roaming over Isak’s face, searching.

“Yes let’s do that,” Isak responds immediately, silently falling into step beside him as they make their way to the cafe a few shops down.

“I’ve been meaning to call you.” Even says once they’re seated. “But every time I tried to pick up the phone, I couldn’t think of the right words. Or there were too many words and I couldn’t put them in the right order. I probably should have anyways. I kind of owe you that.”

They didn’t have a relationship filled with fights and bad memories. No, theirs was filled with love and understanding. But also secrets and hiding, he has to admit to himself. So no, Even didn’t owe him anything.

“Don’t worry about it.” Isak waves off. Neither of them kept in touch. Neither of them made an effort. But maybe it was for the best at the time. Maybe staying in touch, but knowing they couldn’t be together, would have been too painful.

“You look great, by the way” Even blurts out when the silence drags on.

“Thanks,” Isak chuckles, fidgeting in his chair “So do you.”

Even smiles in return and the silence drags on once more. There was a time they never ran out of things to say, but everything had changed since then. So had they.

“Jonas knows,” Isak suddenly says, “about me, about you.” He needs Even to know that he didn’t spend all these years hiding.

“I know.” Even looks down at his hands, a look crossing his face that Isak has never seen before. Shame.

“I received your text.” Even continues nodding slowly.

“Oh.” It’s all that Isak can think to respond.

“I wanted to respond,” Even rushes out “but it had been a year since we spoke last and no matter what I tried to type out, it just all felt...inadequate. Like nothing I could send in a text would measure up to what you sent me. And eventually so much time had passed that it didn’t seem right to send anything back. But I was so proud of you,” he finishes looking at Isak with sincerity.

“It’s okay.” Isak gives him a small smile to assure him it is. Realizing that talking about their past is leading them nowhere, Isak tries a different approach.

“So...Prague,” Isak says raising his eyebrows, “how was that?” 

“Oh you would have loved it,” Even starts with a wide smile “Some of my most beautiful shots have been over there.”

“You’re already shooting your own films?” Isak asks amazed.

“Short films,” Even says, “it’s all small screen stuff but it’s a start. I’m actually working on a short film here in Oslo and we’re hoping to enter it into next year’s film festival.”

“That’s amazing, Even,” Isak smiles brightly. “You did it. You said you would be a director and here you are. I’m so happy for you.”

Even ducks his head, trying to hide his blush from Isak, but Isak recognizes the action too well. He had done it countless times whenever Isak praised him for his accomplishments.

“What about you, what have you been up to?” Even asks. “On your way to be a doctor yet?”

“Not quite, I decided to go a slightly different path.”

“Oh?” Even prompts, curious.

“Yeah, I’m doing my master’s in medical chemistry.”

“Still making a difference.” Even nods impressed.

“Trying to,” Isak shrugs.

And just like that they fall into easy conversation, praising the other for their accomplishments and asking question after question trying to catch up on as much as they possibly can.

That is until a handsome young man walks in with a baby in his arms that can’t be more than a year old.

“Here hold onto her. I have to piss like a racehorse.” The man says handing the child off to Even.

“Seriously Mikael, in front of Simona’s ears?” Even calls after the man who’s already one foot into the washroom.

Isak turns back to Even who is preoccupied with the little girl in his arms. “Your daddy has the worst potty mouth,” he says shaking his head, before propping her up into a seated position.

“Isak, meet Simona.” Even smiles still looking at the child like she’s the most precious thing in the world, trying to keep her from getting too fussy.

Of course. After all, five years is a long time. Long enough to get a degree, a first job, meet someone, and settle down.

When the other man, Mikael, returns from the washroom, he pulls up a chair at their table and holds a hand out to Isak.

“I’m Mikael,” he smiles.

“Isak,” he returns, shaking his hand.

At his name Mikael’s eyebrows rise and his face brightens. “Of course, how could I not have recognized you. Even has told me so much about you-”

He’s cut off by a kick under the table, one that didn’t come from Isak. Followed Even shooting him a not so secretive look since Isak is sitting right at the same table.

When Even looks back at Isak looking happy and content, it’s all that Isak can take and he slowly starts to push his chair back.

“It’s been really nice seeing you again, but I’ve had a very long day, so I should probably head out right away.” It’s nice seeing Even so happy and content, but Isak would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt to see him have it with someone else.

Isak had his chance, had he only been courageous enough to go after it.

“I’ll walk out with you.” Even stands up before Isak can object.

They’re stood there outside for a moment, awkwardly waiting for the other to start talking when Even takes the lead.

“We should finish catching up sometime. Without interruptions.” Even smiles tilting his head into the direction of the cafe.

“Yeah maybe,” Isak smiles around the lump forming in his throat.

“Great.” Even grins back at him.

“Hey Even?”

“Mhm?”

“You have a really nice life.” Isak says with a sad smile.

“Thanks,” Even says giving him an odd look in return, but before anything else can be said, Isak turns and finally heads home.

*

_Even_

_I don’t know if you still have the same number_   
_Maybe not_   
_But I just wanted you to know_   
_I came out to Jonas today_   
_He asked me if I liked anyone_   
_And I told him about you._   
_I hope you don’t mind_   
_You were just too important not to share_   
_I know those words are too late now_   
_But it doesn’t mean they don’t still ring true._

*

“That’s dramatic.” Mahdi says when Isak gets home and immediately throws himself onto the couch face down.

“It’s my place, I can be as dramatic as I want.” Isak says, muffled by the cushion.

“I mean sure,” Mahdi says. “But any particular reason for it right now?”

Isak sighs and rolls over onto his back.

“I ran into Even.”

“Hey that’s awesome, I heard he was back.” Mahdi looks excited. “So did you guys catch up?”

“Yeah, him, me, his baby and his husband?”

“What?” Mahdi laughs “Even’s not married.”

“Fine, boyfriend then.” Isak grumbles.

“I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have one of those or a baby either.” Mahdi looks at Isak confused.

“Well apparently since the last time you talked to him, he’s got both.” Isak responds sitting up.

“Okaaay, even if he has, why do you look like someone kicked your puppy?”

Fuck it, what does it matter now anyways, Isak thinks. It’s all so far in the past that it doesn’t affect anything anyways.

“We had a thing when he was living here.” Isak says looking up at Mahdi.

“How long did it last?” He asks surprised.

“Just over a year.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“No,” Isak says shooting him a look.

“Well shit,” Mahdi drops down on the couch next to Isak, “how did we never notice. We didn’t right? Or was it just me?”

“No one knows. Well Jonas does, but he didn’t know while it was still going on.”

Mahdi nods, impressed. “So he’s back now. And you still have feelings for him?”

“I didn’t think I did, but yeah, I still do.” Isak admits miserably, “but it doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Why not?” Mahdi looks at him confused.

“Hello, boyfriend and baby?”

“Oh right, are you really sure though? I mean how old is this baby?”

“Like a year? What does it matter.”

“Because he didn’t have either like seven months ago.” Madhi presses on.

“You know it’s possible to meet a single parent, right?”

“I guess,” he continues to look at Isak skeptically. “I just don’t think you saw it right.”

Isak sighs, “look I don’t really want to go back and forth on this one. I just know what I saw.”

“Alright, I’ll drop it,” Mahdi finally says, but his face remains determined.

*

_Isak was avoiding Even since the kiss. Or at least avoiding being in the same room with him alone at all cost. Finding a reason to leave the room even when it was only the two of them and Jonas hanging out and Jonas had to use the washroom._

_He knew he wasn’t fooling Even who was surprisingly giving him his space and hadn’t tried to confront him about it. Probably put off by Isak’s unwanted attention._

_He still wasn’t sure what exactly had prompted him to move in like that. Cool, collected, and calm Even had never snapped at him before so of course that’s what did it for Isak. Boldened by the alcohol and weed coursing through him, he couldn’t get the way Even’s lips looked out of his head. The tired pout making them look fuller than usual. Softer. And all of a sudden Isak was overwhelmed with the need to find out if they felt exactly how they looked._

_It had been his first ever kiss with a boy and it felt like waking up. Never before had he imagined a kiss so innocent could evoke such powerful emotions within him. That it could feel so right. But when the realization of what he had just done with Even of all people, one of his friends, he panicked. He had ruined everything. In no time at all the rest of the guys would find out Isak’s secret and everything would go to shit. The image he had so carefully constructed for himself would be destroyed._

_Sure, they had been accepting of Even, not batting an eye when he told them about being pansexual. But that was different. Even was likeable and they hadn’t known him their entire school lives. With Isak, however, his friends had their own perceptions of him. And the difference was that Isak wasn’t likeable. So if it came out, he wouldn’t be their Isak anymore. His identity would be replaced with that of the angry closeted gay kid._

_He’d lose it all. His friends, and god forbid his mother found out about it. No he couldn’t even begin to think about the fallout from that._

_The fear had kept him awake for a week , wondering when the other shoe would drop already, but too afraid to confront Even in person._

_So the Friday after the kiss he found himself too worn down to put up a front._

_“You sure you don’t want to go to the party with us?” Mahdi asked concerned._

_“I’m just tired,” Isak waved off, avoiding Even’s eyes, “long week and everything.”_

_“And miss out on Emma? Dude she’s been eyeing you for weeks.” Magnus said._

_“I’m just not in the mood.” Isak said apparently sounding annoyed enough to prompt Jonas to come to his defense._

_“Magnus, I think you should focus a little more on you hooking up and a bit less on Isak.” Jonas joked._

_“Oh I am, I’m totally pulling Vilde tonight.” Magnus said sounding sure of himself._

_“Isak, you can’t seriously be willing to miss out on that trainwreck.” Mahdi laughed._

_“Just watch, I’ll get her.” Magnus repeated._

_“Okay look, as your friend I will give you one piece of advice since I won’t be there.” Isak leaned in “whatever you do, don’t tell her about the dream you had about her and the whip.”_

_“Oh come on, even Magnus isn’t that desperate.” Jonas cracked up._

_“I dunno sometimes desperation works.” Even chimed in and Isak was certain he could feel his eyes burning on the side of his face, all humor drained from him._

_“Sometimes the best thing you can do is be yourself and hope for the best.” He continued, the burning sensation never leaving Isak’s face._

_“Yeah but you’re saying this to Magnus” Mahdi joked “that’s probably the worst advice for him.”_

_“I dunno, I think it can work. Just be honest.” Even shrugged and Isak felt a wave of nausea overcome him. Was this the moment everything would go to shit? But Even never raised the point for the remainder of the night. It was actually the only hit he had dropped since the previous Friday._

_Still, Isak didn’t take his first deep breath until his friends left for the party and he started his cleanup. Only to find a phone on the table. Even’s. As he took his phone out ready to send his friends a text to come pick it up, he was interrupted by a knock on the door._

_“Even” He let out surprised, heart beating twice as fast “you left your phone.”_

_“Yeah I noticed when we were at the bottom of the stairs.” Even looked nervous._

_“Here, it’s in the kitchen.” Isak said walking over to grab it_

_“Have fun tonight-” he started as he handed the phone over to Even. Careful to avoid having their fingers touch._

_“Why did you do it?” Even asked suddenly, eyes holding Isak’s captive. And Isak knew exactly what he was talking about._

_“Because I wanted to,” Isak admitted angry, ashamed._

_Even looked like he wanted to say something, but then changes his mind. Because next thing Isak knew, Even’s hand was slowly rising up to bury itself in his hair before he leaned his face in until their foreheads and noses touched. Slow enough for Isak to have raised his objections should if only he had any. But he didn’t. Maybe it was the severe sleep deprivation, or maybe he was just tired of hiding. So he watched Even’s eyes slowly close and his face tilt until their lips are touched again._

_It was different that time, because Even slowly took the lead, separating Isak’s lips with his tongue, tentatively exploring, waiting for Isak to be comfortable with each change in movement of their kiss._

_Finally breaking their kiss, they returned to their earlier position of foreheads and noses touching._

_“I wanted to do that too.” Even admitted “for a while now.”_

*

Even

Mahdi invited me to a party you guys are going to this weekend  
Is it alright if I come?

Of course it is

Thanks. See you there then?

For sure

 

Mahdi

You invited him??

Yes because you’re wrong. He isn’t bringing a +1

Did you think that maybe he couldn’t find a babysitter?

Nope, you’re wrong and I can prove it to you  
He’s coming to the party and it’ll be just like old times

You’re wrong I’m telling you

You’re cynical and I’m planning on fixing that

Good luck.

*

_“Isak is everything alright?” His mom asked putting her knitting needles aside. She had taken it up to help with her own anxiety. “You look nervous.”_

_“There’s something I need to tell you, mamma.” He had come out to his friends and roommates already, but this was different. The potential of being rejected by his friends was scary, but it was nothing in comparison to the thought of losing a parent._

_“Whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.” She smiled lovingly at him. “Come here, have a look at this sweater I’m making for you. You know what, I forgot to do a swatch before starting and then I was too far in and didn’t want to start from the beginning again, so there is a huge chance that it will not be the best fitting sweater you’ve ever worn, but I think the color will suit you.” She said, laughter behind her eyes._

_They had just brought their relationship back on track only six months ago and the biblical texts had finally died down completely. What if this caused everything to fall apart again? And this time there would be no one else to blame but himself._

_“Isak.” She calls shocked, rushing to him, when his bottom lip starts to quiver, bringing him down to sit next to her on the couch and wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Rocking him against her._

_“Talk to me, Isak. Whatever it is, it’ll be alright.”_

_“I- I like boys.” Whatever he had prepared ahead of time was gone. Real fear coursing through him. What if this was the last time she ever held him like this._

_“And I know that you’re not okay with that, but I don’t want to lose you,” Isak sniffed, clinging to her._

_“Oh no. No, my sweet little boy,” she said, leaning back, tears ran down her own face while focusing on wiping away Isak’s. “That was...oh sweet Isak, I was so wrong when I sent all of that. I wasn’t in a good place. It was wrong of me to ever put any of those thoughts and fears in your head. And I am so sorry.” She pushed back the hair off his forehead and placed a kiss on his hairline._

_“You should never have to worry about losing me. I love you so deeply and I am beyond proud of the man you’ve become. You put your heart into everything you do and you deserve the same in return. I want you to have the whole world, Isak. I don’t want you to ever put your life on hold because you’re too afraid to live it.”_

_He sat there resting his head against her shoulder as she continued to brush the hair out of his eyes._

_“So what do you think of the sweater?” She finally asked holding it up with her free hand._

_“It’s pretty ugly.” Isak admitted laughing through his tears._

_“That’s okay, you’ll only have to wear it during the holidays and for family photos.” She laughed back._

_“You just let me know when I need to make a matching pair, alright?”_

_“Yes mamma,” he smiled finally able to breahe easy again._

*

“Man, this place is sweet. Mahdi really outdid himself” Jonas whistles under his breath as Isak looks around. There must be easily eighty people packed in between the house and the backyard.

“I’m going to go grab a drink, you want anything?” Jonas asks.

“Nah, I don’t think I’m drinking tonight.”

“Alright, be right back.” Jonas says leaving Isak to look around on his own. They had been invited by Mahdi, apparently a party for one of his cousins. But Isak doesn’t recognize anyone else. That is until he looks up and standing next to each other across the room are Even and Mikael. Fuck, Mahdi. What is he up to?

“Isak!” Mahdi says suddenly appearing next to him and pulling him into Even’s direction without bothering to ask if maybe he wanted to go the opposite way.

“There’s someone I’d like to introduce you to.” Mahdi says when they’re standing right next to them.

“Hey Isak,” Mikael interrupts “we’ve already met” he explains.

“Less work for me,” Mahdi says “you’ve already met Even, but have you met Alec? Mikael’s husband?” He points to a man who was previously blocked from Isak’s view.

Isak’s eyes snap up to meet Mahdi’s smug face.

“Hey, man” Alec extends a hand.

“Nice to meet you.” Isak accepts his hand and he can feel his face begin to burn up.

He looks to his side to see Mahdi still smirking at him and tilting his head towards Even. In the least subtle way possible.

So of course their exchange doesn’t go unnoticed by Even who looks at them strangely.

“Hey that’s where you guys went” he hears Jonas’s voice from behind him.

“Even!” Magnus exclaims next to Jonas and goes over to pull him into a hug.

“I haven’t seen you in forever, how have you been?”

With Even preoccupied, Isak pulls Mahdi aside.

“See I told you!” Mahdi says once they’re out of earshot.

“Okay so great he’s possibly available, I don’t see how that makes any difference right now.”

“You guys were together for over a year, despite having to keep it a secret, that’s not nothing. I don’t think those feelings just go away and you haven’t seen the way he’s been watching you since the moment you got here.”

“What are you guys whispering about?” Jonas asks nearly scaring Isak half to death.

“I’m telling Isak to go for it with Even.” Mahdi simply lays out.

“Is that a good idea?” Jonas asks “they have history.”

“Exactly, and I don’t think their story is over.” Mahdi says.

“Okay now I know you’ve been watching too many lifetime movies.” Isak rolls his eyes.

“What are you basing this on?” Jonas asks ignoring him, sounding interested.

“You can’t actually be buying into this!” Isak pleads.

“You should have seen him when he thought Even off the market.” Mahdi tells Jonas.

“Look in my defense, there was a baby and a man.” Isak shoots back.

Jonas gives him an odd look “that explains even less.”

“And you also haven’t seen the eyes Even’s been making at Isak all night. He’s been asking about you non-stop.” Mahdi finally adds.

“He did talk about you quite a bit when I ran into him.” Jonas nods, seemingly agreeing with Mahdi.

“See? He should totally go for it.”

Isak ignores them when he catches the lyrics to the song playing and it feels too big to be a coincidence.

 _Long nights, daydreams_  
_Sugar and smoke rings, I’ve been a fool_  
_But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you_  
_Headlights, on me_  
_Racing to sixty, I’ve been a fool_

And just like that, their eye catch all the way across the room. Isak’s not one to believe in signs, but when he has his friends yelling into one ear and the universe into the other, it’s a little hard to ignore.

 _But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like_  
_Blue eyes, black jeans_  
_Lighters and candy, I’ve been a fool_  
_But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you_

For the second time Even is the one to break their eye contact and approach Isak.

“Do you want to go outside?” Even asks tilting his head towards the open doors.

“Sure,” Isak says letting him lead.

They’re halfway down the road before either of them say a word.

“Is everything alright between you and Mahdi? Your conversation seemed a little intense in there.” Even says keeping in step with Isak.

“Yeah it’s nothing” Isak dismisses.

“Okay.”

“Actually,” Isak starts, embarrassed, “I thought Simona was yours and that you and Mikael were together. And he was correcting me.”

“Ah,” Even lets out with an understanding nod, smile playing on his lips. “Well I’m not married. In case that needed clarification.”

“Well I know that now.” Isak says, unintentionally kicking a rock down the road with his next step.

“I’m also not seeing anyone.” Even continues

Isak can’t explain why hearing him say those words makes his heart feel that much lighter. Or maybe he can, if he’s completely honest with himself for once.

“Are you?” Even presses.

“Married? Nope.” Isak jokes and Even lets out a little laugh

Even licks his lips, preparing to ask his next question. But Isak knows what it’s going to be, so he speaks first.

“I’m not seeing anyone either. There hasn’t been anyone, well anyone serious, since you.” He tells him truthfully.

“Me neither.” Even admits.

Isak continues to follow along what he thought was an aimless walk, but sees now is taking them towards the waterline. Although the night itself is pretty warm, it gets a few degrees colder as they reach the water.

It’s just the two of them and another couple a ways away blasting music off their phone.

 _And you need to know_  
_That nobody could take your place, your place_  
_And you need to know_  
_That I'm hella obsessed with your face, your face_

“I’m sorry,” Isak says.

“What for?” Even asks giving him a concerned look.

“For making you hide with me. It wasn’t fair to you.” Isak stops right at the edge of the pier.

“You didn’t make me do anything.” Even shakes his head, “I wanted you. And I would never take any of it back. Those were some of my best memories, the ones I made with you.”

 _Oh, my heart hurts so good_  
_I love you, babe, so bad, so bad_  
_Oh, oh my heart hurts so good_  
_I love you, babe, so bad, so bad_  
_Oh, oh my heart hurts so good_  
_I love you, babe, so bad, so bad_

“Those were some of my happiest as well.” Isak confesses. “I’ve missed not having you in my life.”

Even reaches out to brush a loose lock off his forehead. “You’ve been missing in mine as well.”

There are words they both aren’t saying. But they both know what they are.

 _And you need to know_  
_You're the only one - alright, alright_  
_And you need to know_  
_That you keep me up all night, all night_

*

“Look at us, the whole crew back together.” Magnus claps his hands together when he enters Isak and Jonas’s living room.

“Who would have thought we’d be back here again all those years ago.” He continues placing the rest of his beers on the coffee table before taking a seat between Isak and Even. A space that was left there, sure, but wasn’t meant to be filled by anyone.

“Hey Magnus, you sure you wouldn’t be comfier next to me?” Mahdi says, still not willing to give up on his own mission it seems.

“Nah, I’m good here, right between my two best friends.” He says pointing to each side of him.

“So Even, are you still looking for a new place to live?” Jonas asks.

“Actually yeah, I mean I love Mikael, Alec, and Simona, but sometimes it gets a little bit crowded there.” Even says.

“Well there are actually a couple of openings in our building.” Jonas says and Isak narrows his eyes at him. What was his plan now?

“Oh, I don’t know,” Even looks at Isak, unsure, before continuing. “I’d have to check if that would work for me, but that’s quite thoughtful of you. Thanks.”

“Yeah that is very thoughtful of you.” Isak says. Too thoughtful.

“Hey Even?” Magnus asks, “maybe you can help where we’ve obviously failed. Isak won’t admit that he needs help getting with guys and you have more experience with guys.”

“Magnus!” Isak scolds, but this time he receives no backup from Jonas and Mahdi who have been hounding him with non-stop questions about how his walk with Even went. And no amount of ‘it went fine. There’s just nothing to report’ would make them happy enough.

And that is the truth. Sure they had spent half the night just sitting next to each other talking, but other than that nothing happened. Not even a kiss much to Isak’s disappointment.

“What? I’m genuinely trying to help here. Unlike these two.” He says pointing to to Jonas and Mahdi.

“Hey we’ve already given him all the advice we can. It’s up to him to just go and get it.” Mahdi defends.

In the end it’s Even who comes to his rescue and changes the subject.

“My advice still hasn’t changed,” he smiles at Isak directly, “just be yourself. But hey, I haven’t played Fifa in what feels like a lifetime. How about we fire that up again?”

And it’s just like old times, with Jonas and Isak on the winning team.

When the hour turns late, Jonas starts herding Mahdi and Magnus towards their apartment door. “We’ve got an early morning and the door downstairs has been sticking lately. So let me show you how to open it so you won’t get stuck.”

Before Magnus can even comment on the fact that Even is being left behind, the door slams behind the three of them.

“Well that’s not embarrassing or at all obvious” Isak groans.

“I think it’s cute,” Even smiles, “they care about you, a lot.”

“Sometimes I wish they wouldn’t” Isak says grabbing a few bottles and bringing them to the kitchen sink. After the pathetic way they managed to portray Isak, he’s surprised Even is still there.

But there he is, standing beside Isak, watching him work. He can feel the heat of Even’s gaze on him. Trying to gather the courage to look up and meet it.

When he does, he’s shook to his core. It’s a look he hasn’t seen from Even since the second time they shared a kiss. He his eyes dart down to Isak’s lips, then his eyes again, asking permission.

And this time it’s Isak who moves in and takes the lead, wrapping his arms around Even’s neck to pull him even closer. When Even reciprocates the kiss immediately, Isak’s entire body comes to life. Gentle and experimental turns desperate and needy, trying to make up for the countless kisses they missed out on over the last five years. Isak’s hands soon travel down his back and up Even’s shirt, grazing the skin he had missed so much.

Before he knows it, Even’s hands move under his ass and prop him up on the edge of the kitchen counter so he can stand comfortably between Isak’s legs, grinding right up against him at first so gently as to draw a needy whimper out of Isak, then roughly enough to make him whimper for completely different reasons.

Isak becomes lost in Even completely, barely able to gasp for breath when he needs it. It’s certainly not the first kiss Isak expected, but it’s definitely one they both deserve.

“Jonas will be back soon.” Even finally whispers into his neck.

“No, no, no, don’t go.” Isak clasps his thighs around him and Even lets out a small shaky laugh, moving up to his jaw. “I really want to finish this. But later, alright?”

“Fine, I’m holding you to that. Just know that I’ll be thinking about you when I’m taking care of this situation.” Isak says glancing down.

“Oh I’m counting on it.” Even winks, giving Isak one last kiss before stepping back.

When he walks Even to the door, he’s surprised to find Jonas sitting on the stairs on his phone.

“Hey,” He says surprised.

“Done already?” He asks, stepping inside past Even with a wave and a “see ya, man”.

“Bye.” Isak says privately, giving Even one last kiss before watching him make his way down the stairs.

“Something like that.” Isak says when he closes the door behind Even.

“Hey what did you mean with Even moving into this building?” Isak asks following Jonas into their living room.

“Nothing really, just offering him some options. But wouldn’t it be cool if he did move closer?” Jonas asks.

Even living in the same building. Yeah, that’s something Isak could certainly get behind. Especially after tonight.

*

Later comes the next Friday when the rest of the guys decide to go out to a party and Isak and Even immediately bow out. And thanks to Mahdi the guys end up having the pregame at his place, leaving the apartment wide open for Isak’s use.

And when night falls he’s impatiently waiting for Even to show up that he almost misses the knock on the door.

“Hi,” he smiles brightly at Even

“Hey” Even smiles back, accepting the hand Isak is holding out to him.

Once inside Isak pulls him into the slowest and most thorough kiss of his life. Saying with his tongue, hands, and lips what he’s not quite ready to say yet.

This time they don’t rush. They’re still kissing against the wall lazily minutes later. Knowing that they have all night. Gently grinding against Even from time to time just to remind him of the effect he’s having on him.

Even continues to take it slow when they finally make it into Isak’s bedroom. Kissing, nipping, and licking every part of Isak he can get his hands on.

It’s more cherished than he’s ever made Isak feel and Isak can’t hold back anymore. There’s no more hiding between them. Not this time around.

“I love you.” Isak confesses, “still.”

Even pauses above him, resting his weight on one arm so he can run his free and along Isak’s jaw. And Isak’s eyes flutter shut in response to the gentle caress.

“I love you too. I never once stopped.” Even answers in kind, still slowly driving Isak out of his mind. Isak tries to hold out for as long as possible, but there’s only so long he can lie naked beneath Even and remain in control.

 _One more dance, one more night_  
_Hanging on for bitter moonlight_  
_They can't change what we started_  
_If we stop keeping a secret_

He’s still holding onto Even, trying to come down from his high when they hear the front door open.

“Are those Even’s shoes?” They hear Magnus through the door and Even freezes, looking down at Isak resting on his chest. But this time Isak remains calm, looking up at him with a lazy smile.

“Should we go say hi?” He grins

“Are you sure?” Even asks

“Never been more sure of anything in my life” Isak answers sincerely. He hasn’t been hiding for years and he’s not about to start again. Not when he’s found another chance to be with Even.

“They’ll know.” Even says

“They already know I’m gay.”

“But are you okay with them knowing about us?” Even asks.

“I have nothing to hide. Especially not you. It’s about time, don’t you think?” Isak says handing Even some clothes and putting his back on before taking Even’s hand into his own and pulling him towards the bedroom door.

“About time,” Even agrees beaming back at Isak, ready to follow wherever he leads.

 _I can't let go_  
_All your pictures on my phone_  
_All your clothes are in my bedroom_  
_What if we stop keeping a secret?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I genuinely hope you liked the second half of this story <3


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